March 15th, 2017 – 12:01am PST:

At my local grocery store the bakery is on the opposite side of the produce section, which I’m thankful for. In addition, sugary delicacies are also on a far distant aisle from the “healthy stuff”. However, it would seem that the Girl Scouts care little for the sake of my dough-ish figure, and have conspired to bring me to ruin with the strategic placement of their minty, oh-so-tempting cookie based cereal. They should really team up with the military to weaponize those things. Imagine being a terrorist and hiding out in a bunker amid the sand dunes. All the sudden, you see a Tomahawk Missile arcing over the horizon, and know you’re a goner. But instead of the fiery death you expected, the missile releases a payload of Girl Scout Cookies all over the ground. I, for one, would keep eating cookies until my torso exploded and I bled out in the sand. They’re dangerous. Seriously.

I can’t say I’m overly worried they’ll sue for use of their name in this comic though. I mean, honestly, that would be kind of a great story, right? “One time I was sued by the Girl Scouts of America.” They say there’s no such thing as bad press, don’t they? That being said, I’m a small fish, so I doubt I’m worth their time. Still, you can tell. I guess I’ll know I’ve stepped on some toes if I come home and there’s a mob of Girl Scouts waiting for me in my living room with baseball bats.