April 14th, 2017 – 12:48am PST:

When it comes to dating there’s always those staple questions people ask each other. You know the ones: what do you do, where are you from, what type of music do you listen to, as well as the slightly less common question: “Have you ever been in a wizard fight?”

I’ve always disappointed women by admitting that, to date, I’ve… never been in a wizard fight. However, photographic proof has recently emerged to verify that I HAVE been in at least one wizard fight, and had simply forgotten (crazy, right?) It’s something of a relief, actually. I can now truthfully say that I’m more than capable of holding my own if an evil wizard appears and, you know, wants to start some shit.

I feel I should clarify by saying that, at the age of ten, I referred to such altercations as “wizard fights”. However, a more gender friendly term is likely “magical duel”. I would like to clarify further by acknowledging that witches are just as capable of dueling as wizards. If a witch ever protects me from harm with her magical abilities, then I will be extremely grateful. You gotta give credit where credit is due, after all, even if it’s admitting you’ve been the “damsel/dude in distress” in a given situation. In my case, I would undoubtedly flutter my eyelashes while expressing my most sincere gratitude, in the hopes of winning said witch’s affection. I suspect I would fail, in all honesty. Still though, what a story to tell the kids!

“Well kids, one fine spring day your mother appeared and saved me from an evil wizard, and ended up stealing my heart in the process!”